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“As I stated, the Western military experts admit that the mechanized establishment guard must outnumber the attacking worker by ten to one. What they cannot afford to admit is that even with this numerical superiority they cannot win [...] At ten to one, we still enjoy a strategic, military superiority if we are attacking, because they must defend so many different points vital to the order and continuity of their life-support system, all at the same time. The points to be protected will always outnumber the units who are available to protect them.”

—George Jackson, Blood in My Eye

「如上所述，西方軍事專家承認機械化當權派的警衛隊人數必須是進攻勞動者的十倍。他們擔負不起承認的是就算是擁有數量方面的優勢他們完全贏不了 [...] 在十比一的比例之下，如果我們進攻還是能享有戰略性、軍事方面的優勢，因為他們必須守護那麼多對他們生命維持系統的秩序和持續必不可少的的不同地點，而且要同時守護。必須保護的地點永遠會超過可以保護它們的小隊。」

—喬治·傑克遜，《眼露凶光》

The first time I shoplifted, I was scared as shit. To calm myself down, I kept repeating George Jackson's words like a mantra in my head: The points to be protected will always outnumber the units who are available to protect them. The points to be protected will always outnumber the units who are available to protect them. The security guards couldn't check every aisle at once. There were so many security cameras, I was nothing but a humanoid blur on their screens. I acted like a regular shopper, just browsing for things to buy, while moving nonstop like a shark to avoid the fate of being caught. And I got away. And I couldn't believe it was that easy.

第一次商店行竊的時候，我心裡著急得很。為了讓自己靜下來，我像在唸咒語一樣在心裡中一直重複喬治·傑克遜的話：必須保護的地點永遠會超過可以保護它們的小隊。必須保護的地點永遠會超過可以保護它們的小隊。保安人員不可能一次巡查每一個通道。監視攝影機那麼多，我在它們的螢幕上只不過是個模糊的人形點。我假裝自己是個普通的購物者，只是在看看能買的東西，同時像鯊魚一樣不停地移動，避免被抓到的命運。我就那樣溜走了。簡直不敢相信，真的是那麼簡單。

When I got home, I went back to my Buddhist altar, and turned to face my Siddartha Gautama statue with a sense of guilt. There are five basic precepts in Buddhism that even laypeople have to follow, and I just violated the second one, which was not to steal. Should I even be keeping the altar up anymore? Supporting illegalism and other people's illegalist praxist was one thing, but how could I have the nerve to do it myself and still keep saying I'm Buddhist?

到家的時候，我回到自己的佛壇，愧疚地面對我的釋迦牟尼調像。佛教連在家眾都要遵守的基本五戒，之中我違犯了第二個不偷戒。這樣的話，我是該把佛壇拆下來嗎？支持非法主義和別人的非法主義實踐是一回事，但自己去幹的話，哪來有臉皮繼續說自己是佛教徒？

Well, what kind of political conditions does that kind of Buddhism create? As a Buddhist, do you problematize me for being a thief that steals necessities I cannot afford, or the capitalists for robbing the proletariat of access to those things? As a Buddhist, are you obligated to ignore that the bourgeoisie have hegemony over laws and social norms that govern theft and ownership, and to pretend that the exploiters and the exploited steal under the same conditions? Are you enlightened for refusing to kill the cop in your head (killing violates the first precept, after all)?

啊那種佛教會創造什麼樣的政治狀況？作為佛教徒，你要問題化的是偷買不起必需品的我，還是剝奪無產階級對那些東西的使用權的資本主義者？作為佛教徒，你必要忽略資產階級對管理偷竊的法律和社會規範的霸權，假裝剝削者和被剝削者偷竊的情況一模一樣嗎？拒絕幹掉心裡警察是表示無上正覺的事嗎（殺生不是違犯第一戒嗎）？

What does a Buddhist politically achieve by personally refusing to steal (or kill oppressors)? Reality is not a sutta governed by Buddhist principles—by refusing to take what we need and dying like martyrs, we will not prefigure the ruling class and their lapdogs into dāna and mettā, let alone anarchy and communism. Every commodity you buy fuels the death machine that is capitalism. A cop is not going to care how clean your conscience is before they shoot you. To take the five precepts as universally applicable moral guidelines at face value, and to let the praxis of transcendent spiritual liberation take precedence over the praxis of destroying hierarchical power dynamics and ending the historical material conditions that created them is counterrevolutionary. To me, it is meaningless to believe in a religion that aims for all beings to be free from suffering if the world continues to reproduce systems that create preventable suffering for classes of oppressed people in fact. The only thing that would give it meaning is a religious commitment to changing that world.

佛教徒個人拒絕偷竊（或擊殺壓迫者）的話會得到什麼樣的政治效果？現實不是取決於佛教理論的契經—我們不會以拒絕奪取需要的物品像烈士死去的方式預示統治階級和它們的走狗表現出佈施和慈觀，更不用說無治和共產。每個購買的商品是為資本主義這死亡機器添加的燃料。對你開槍的警察不會管你有沒有天理良心。把五戒信以為真地當作是普遍適用的道德指導方針，並且讓超越宇宙靈性解放的實踐比消滅等級制度的權力動態和結束製造那些動態的歷史物質條件的實踐變得更重要是反革命性的行為。對我來說，如果世界在實際上繼續再生產為被壓迫階級的人製造可阻止的痛苦的系統，對一個目標是讓一切眾生脫離痛苦的宗教有信仰完全沒有意義。唯一能讓它有意義的是虔誠改變那世界的承諾。

So yes, I have the nerve to keep calling myself a Buddhist. I have the nerve to turn breaking the second precept into a religious ritual I regularly observe, because I know ownership isn't politically neutral, and my faith obligates me to take a side, and to accept the karma of that decision. I am not afraid of being reincarnated in Naraka for these transgressions. By the end of a militant life in the human realm, I hope the wardens in hell will be afraid of me.

所以沒錯，我有臉繼續說自己是佛教徒。我有臉把違犯第二戒當作是一種定期舉行的宗教儀式，因為我知道物主身分不是政治中立的事，而我的信仰強使我決定自己站在哪一邊，並且接受決定的果報。我不怕因為這些違反投生奈落。在人間好鬥地過完一生之後，我希望心裡著急的會是地獄裡的獄卒。

Next June, a new set of regulations for smartphones (approved back in 2023) comes into force: link.

Out of all of them one caught my eye, the “Ecodesign Requirements”:

• Resistance to accidental drops or scratches and protection from dust and water
• Sufficiently durable batteries which can withstand at least 800 charge and discharge cycles while retaining at least 80% of their initial capacity
• Rules on disassembly and repair, including obligations for producers to make critical spare parts available within 5-10 working days, and for 7 years after the end of sales of the product model on the EU market
• Availability of operating system upgrades for longer periods (at least 5 years from the date of the end of placement on the market of the last unit of a product model)
• Non-discriminatory access for professional repairers to any software or firmware needed for the replacement

Sounds like a great idea! With the best of intentions! What could possibly go wrong?

A thought experiment 

Imagine a regulation that requires all furniture to be made from solid wood sourced from sustainable forests, and capable of withstanding large weights. No more flimsy cardboard and composite shelves and wardrobes, no more IKEA.

Or that all clothes must be made from organic materials, with fabrics of a minimum thickness or durability. No more fast fashion, no more Primark.

All in name of protecting the customer and the environment.

But, what would be the effect on people's lives?

The richest parts of society will continue to live the same way, largely unaffected.

Middle classes would suffer some immediate reduction of their disposable income, but they would probably be able to resist the hit. And their clothes and furniture would be of better quality, so they might even save money in the long term.

And both would celebrate how good it is that the greedy cost-cutting corporations were stopped and now everyone has much better quality, longer-lasting stuff.

Everyone? No. Low income people would suffer, forced to spend money they don’t have, or to prolong the life of those items way past what would be advisable. We would be back to poor people wearing rags (funny how that’s no longer a thing, huh?).

Without cheap but functional items, a lot of people would be forced to go into (more) debt, or would have to spend less on other, more important things. It’d be a serious blow to social mobility.

Desirable vs mandatory

When you criticise “pro consumer” policies like these you're often accused of siding with the evil companies. You're probably benefiting from their exploitation!

So let me show my cards:

I find all the stated goals of the policy desirable. I am a supporter of the right to repair. The number of years of software updates that I’ll get is a major factor for me at the time of purchasing a new device.  I'm even invested in companies that already comply with most of them and might end up experiencing higher (artificial) demand. I will not be negatively affected by this and I could even come out richer.

But that hasn’t always been the case.

When I was a student, and during the early years of my career, cheap was the name of the game. Money was limited, so why buy expensive brands when there were significantly cheaper alternatives? Yes, a lower end Xiaomi would need to be replaced in a couple of years, but I didn't have the money for a phone twice as expensive that would (hopefully) last me 3 times longer. And if I did, the risk of it not actually lasting long enough to compensate for the extra cost was too big to ignore. For example, I once got a pair of Levi's because I was tired of cheap jeans always breaking after a year or two of use. They cost 7 times more and did't last significantly longer.

I had cheap clothes and cheap equipment that had to be replaced or fixed often, but that allowed me to save money and build enough financial muscle to really afford to spend on quality (among other life goals).

Also, let’s not forget that some people just don’t care. Others enjoy changing their phones every couple of years and actually prefer a lower price over a longer use-life. You can argue they’re wrong, and their priorities should be better sorted (I certainly do), but you can’t force people to live their lives the way you think is best.

The EU: Trade warfare with good marketing

At the moment of writing this, I don’t think any major company complies with all of the new requirements.

Points 1,2 and 5 are relatively easy (but not free) to comply with, but 3 and 4 have been historically problematic.

To produce spare parts (point 3) the design has to be highly modular, which is not always desirable from the technical point of view. If you already have a design like that, I imagine it’s not a great cost for the company to sell them (although it might become more difficult as time passes and more models come to and leave the market).

Software updates (point 4) are a whole different beast. The cost and complexity of supporting a wide range of different hardware combinations is exponential, particularly if you work with 3rd party hardware. Unless you have a very tight vertical integration (like Apple) or have a very close relationship with your suppliers, it can very quickly become a nightmare to maintain. That is why Android has such a bad record with OS update support, and why Apple has always been way ahead until very recently. I don’t think any company complies with that point as it is at the moment, and I doubt anything other than multinational behemoths could in the long run.

This is a policy so completely disconnected from reality, that I only see a couple of explanations for it. Allow me to put on my little tinfoil hat.

a. This has been lobbied, written, and/or promoted by a group of naive, wealthy but well-intentioned tech enthusiasts b. The politicians behind this are interested in a more concentrated market for whatever reason (ie insider trading, a future power grab, or a cozy retirement from politics as an executive). c. This is an attempt to covertly attack trade with China in a market where they are very strong (as they already did with electric vehicles link). d. All of the above

The EU likes to present itself as a champion of free trade (particularly now, in opposition to Trump’s tariffs), but that’s only ever been true internally. They’ve always been quite protectionist, especially about specific industries like agriculture (see the CAP). Things like their AI regulation (link), or the recent barrage of fines to Apple and Google could well be an attempt to do the same for tech. However, they can’t afford to continue like this for much longer and they know it (see the Draghi report).

Conclusions and predictions

Policies have certain inertia, this one was voted in before the latest trade war and the Draghi report itself. It might be quietly repealed, or at least defanged, under new geopolitical circumstances. Or they might double down. Who knows?

However, I think the consequences of this policy (if maintained and enforced) will be a disappearance of cheap brands and models, and a great reduction of hardware diversity and customised Android builds. The market will become more concentrated into fewer but larger companies. Individual models will be discontinued very quickly to reduce the support lifespan as much as possible.

Over the last couple of decades, smartphones have gone from a luxury product to a de facto necessity of modern life. This change was enabled by a dramatic drop in prices, in turn fuelled by a cutthroat market largely left alone by governments. The EU seems determined to undo all that.

I can’t help but imagine a smug French bureaucrat, scrolling on the latest iPhone while casually telling her assistant “Let them buy Samsung”.

Thoughts on anti-capitalism

I keep reading that capitalism is bad, we need to get rid of it, ten rich people (or 1%, or whatever) get everything, and all others suffer, and the planet suffers, and the plants suffer, and so on, and so forth. All of this is valid. However, I've never seen a valid proposition about what to do with it. If you like it or not, we are now a civilization whose lifeblood is electricity. If we turn off electricity, billions of people will die either immediately or in the nearest future. Technical progress allowed us to have medicine that cannot be compared to any past epoch where it was a luck if a woman, or her newborn baby, or both didn't die in huge pain when that baby had been born; HIV was a death sentence; cancer could not be cured; appendicitis was also a death sentence, and so on, and so on. I've recently read a post about Humans that lived for 200,000 years without any capitalism and everything was good. You're either naïve or you don't want to see truth: nothing was pretty good, actually, and capitalism in any form was always. A tribe of Cro-Magnon people had its chief and its hierarchy, not speaking of feudal times. Anyway, my take is that capitalism is by far not a perfect solution, but there is nothing best invented yet. Communism? See what happened in the USSR (my wife's grandparents and other relatives died in Holodomor, do you know what it is?) and what happens in China now (any Uyghur will tell you about it). I see lots of propositions about stopping using this, stopping using that, but there is no alternative. “Everyone must get on bicycles” — “I'm blind, I cannot ride a bicycle” — “well… in this case… I don't know” (people with more empathy will justify me using cars, taxis or common transport). But blind people are not the only category that cannot ride bikes. It's just an example where eco-militants try to convince us not to do something, but don't propose any alternative. what alternative do I propose? Technosolutionism. Yes, I've heard already people pronouncing this word as an insult, but to me it's the only viable solution. I don't want to come back to the Stone age, nor to the Middle ages, without medicine, hot water, hot food, computers, Internet, cars, trams, trains and planes, and I will do my best to prevent it from happening. Is there a plastics island in the ocean? Yes. Is it bad for the nature? Extremely! What should we do? Research a technology that would allow us getting rid of used plastic, and such technology do exist (bacteria that “eat” plastic and transform it into bio fuel, for example). Do we throw lots of CO2 into the atmosphere? Yes, absolutely. Is it harmful? Of course it is! Solution? Use solar panels, nuclear energy, if possible, stop (yes, I also said this word!) using petrol and gas. Scientists from Japan started on experimenting with a technology that would “suck” CO2 out of the air. That's the solution, or one of them, great job! Instead many people are preaching about giving up cars, meat, plastic, AI, everything, without proposing a real alternative. Just suffer for the good of… someone. No. Sorry not sorry, but no. Just suffering is not a solution. Solution is to strive for the happiness and great pleasure of everyone on this beautiful planet and beyond. I'm open to polite and thoughtful discussion, of course.

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【١】إن المال عبد مخلص، ولكنه سيد رديء ؛ هو عبدك حين تنفقه، ولكن حين تخزنه وتتكالب عليه يشقيك ويمرضك، لأنك أصبحت له خادماً.

【٢】الذين يصنعون الآن الورد الصناعي ٬ ويحاولون جاهدين مُضَاهاة الورد الطبيعي الذي خلقه الله ٬ فيضعون عليه رائحة الورد ليتوفر لها الشكل والرائحة ٬ ثم ترى الوردة الصناعية زاهية لا تذبُل ٬ لكن العظمة في الوردة الطبيعية أنها تذبل لأن ذُبولها يدلُّ على أن بها حياة.

【٣】في العادة لا يقلق من له أب، فكيف يقلق من له رب !

【٤】إذا أهمّك أمر غيرك ، فأعلم بأنّك ذو طبعٍ أصيل. وإذا رأيت في غيرك جمالاً ، فأعلم بأنّ داخلك جميل. واذا راعيتَ معروف غيرك ، فأعلم بأنّك للوفاء خليل.

【٥】من ابتغى صديقاً بلا عيب ، عاش وحيداً ! ومن ابتغى حبيباً بدون مشاكل ، عاش باحثاً ! ومن ابتغى زوجةً بلا نقص ، عاش أعزباً !

【٦】 الحق ثابت ولا يتغير أما الباطل فهو ما لا واقع له ٬ ولذلك فإن أبواب الباطل متعددة وباب الحق واحد.

【٧】 كل شيء في هذا الكون يقتضي الحمد ٬ ومع ذلك فإن الانسان يمتدح الوجود وينسى الموجود. (وينسى واجد الوجود)

【٨】 في يد كل واحد منا مفتاح الطريق الذي يقوده إلى الجنة أو إلى النار ٬ ولذلك إذا وفيت بالعهد أوفى الله ٬ وإذا ذكرت الله ذكرك ٬ وإذا نصرت الله نصرك.

【٩】 ان كل مخلوق اذا اتجه الى خالقه واستعاذ به يكون هو الأقوى برغم ضعفه وهو الغالب برغم عدم قدرته لأن الله عندما يكون معك تكون قدرتك وقوتك فوق كل قدره وأعلى من كل قوه.

【١٠】الذين كفروا يحاولون ستر وجود الله.. و ستر وجود الله سبحانه وتعالى هو إثبات لوجوده.. لأنك لا تستر شيئا غير موجود !!

【١١】 إن مررت بضيق نتيجة مشكلة أو كرب فعليك قرآءة السبع الآيات المنجيات وأنت على يقين بأن الفرج لا يأتي إلا من عند الله سبحانه وتعالى.

【١٢】إذا فعلت الخير سيتهمك الناس بأن لك دوافع أنانية خفية ، إفعل الخير على أية حال.

【١٣】إذا حققت النجاح سوف تكسب أصدقاء مزيفين و أعداء حقيقين ، انجح على أية حال.

【١٤】الخير الذي تفعله اليوم سوف ينسى غداً ، افعل الخير على أية حال.

【١٥】الناس غير منطقيين و لا تهمهم إلا مصلحتهم ، أحِبهم على أية حال.

【١٦】إن الصدق و الصراحة يجعلانك عرضة للانتقاد ، كن صادقاً وصريحاً على أية حال.

【١٧】الناس يحبون المستضعفين لكنهم يتبعون المستكبرين ، جاهد من أجل المستضعفين على أية حال.

【١٨】ما تنفق سنوات في بنائه قد ينهار بين عشية و ضحاها ، ابن على أية حال.

【١٩】الناس في أمس الحاجة الى المساعدة لكنهم قد يهاجمونك إذا ساعدتهم ، ساعدهم على أية حال.

【٢٠】إذا أعطيت العالم أفضل ما لديك سيرد عليك البعض بالإساءة ، أعط العالم أفضل ما لديك.

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#كلمات #أقوال

It hurts me in ways I can't fully explain—seeing him upset, disappointed in himself, burdened by things that are out of his control. There’s a certain sadness in a man’s silence when he feels he’s failed, even if no one else sees it that way. And when it’s someone I love, that pain seems to echo in my own chest. I wish he could see himself the way I do. That he’d know his worth isn’t measured by moments where things don’t go as planned. That my love for him isn’t tied to what he can give, but simply to who he is. And yet, there he was—shouldering more than he should, caught between caring for others and trying to do something kind for me. He didn’t hide it. He didn’t pretend. And maybe that’s what made my heart ache the most: his honesty, his frustration, his quiet guilt. Loving someone means feeling their sorrows like tremors through your own bones. I wish I could take some of the weight off his back. I wish he didn’t feel so responsible for everything. I just wish he knew that being loved means he doesn’t have to carry it all alone.

It was my birthday, and Maryam—my cousin—and her daughter Narges and her other kids came over. They meant to surprise me, but thanks to a little slip from my parents, I already had a clue. Still, I kept quiet and let it happen. Dinner was grape leaf dolma, rice, and a kind of skillet-cooked ground beef with onions and spices (hard to describe, but definitely not kabab or cotlet). There was also cake, lots of strawberries, and my saffron-ginseng infusion. Maryam gave me a beautiful matching stainless steel necklace and bracelet. Narges gave me another necklace—simple, pretty, and thoughtful. We took pictures, made videos, and tried to bottle up that feeling of togetherness while it lasted. Later, Narges and I spent some quiet time at my place. Not a bad night at all. I really didn't expect them! Remember writing in this blog that when you don't expect, it comes back to you.

Today in the garden I got caught up in a ridiculous activity: trying several different methods, manual and electric, to remove a splitting wedge that I had foolishly and needlessly pounded into a stump, because I had set it in a place too thick to split. I wasted over an hour on this endeavor, and the wedge is still there. I gathered and bagged up the chips and sawdust for mulch, just to have something to show for my efforts.

Thing is, I didn't really need the wedge or the wood I would have gotten, and that kind of time-wasting usually bugs me. But this time I noticed a certain clarity and calmness of mind afterwards and realized that I had lost myself in the activity, in a healthy processing sort of way, exercising my creativity. Sometimes when this happens, especially in the garden, I think that this is my way of learning to play as an adult, and not only play, but reap the psychic benefits of it.

Marvel, Marvel, Marvel. They go from making absolutely awesome films to either mediocre or downright horrible films. Ant Man 3 (abysmal dogshit) to Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (one of the best MCU films, IMO) to The Marvels (hideously mediocre) to Deadpool & Wolverine (awesome) to Captain America: Brave New World (also mediocre, still better than The Marvels) to Thunderbolts*. How is it, you might ask?

It's so similar yet so different to the rest of the Marvel roster – holy shit, NOBODY expected the third act to be like that. For the first time in, like forever (maybe ever since Civil War?) Marvel tackles a mature, heavy theme that isn't watered down politics or morals. They handled a topic of depression, loneliness and isolation and in a way... bipolarity.

Combined with a slew of highly experimental and unusual decisions for the story, a banger soundtrack, return to form with an equally grounded action direction and just generally highly unusual yet undeniably awesome production, Thunderbolts* is absolutely worth it.

Sometimes, the minimal is the maximal

Narrative wise, it combines both a grounded, realistic style of story (for MCU standards, to say the least) and a theme that directly tackles the concepts of loneliness and depression, without any filters, metaphors or more. Yelena, Bob, Alexei and the rest of the Thunderbolts are rejects who don't have any purpose in their lives, no friends, no surviving family, no nothing; they're all alone. Their only will to live comes in the form of trying to keep themselves occupied in the frontlines, taking mercenary after mercenary job, shooting bad guys, blowing up shit and repeating all over again. That is, until a chain of events led them one to another, thanks to their snarky French employer who wants to get rid of them.

They also tackle on a new approach on presenting it's story, forgoing large scale spectacle for more simpler, grounded sequences of actions that can still fit in the real world, assuming that Bob isn't there anyways. The story (and by extension, the action) doesn't maximize the amount of carnage and destruction, in fact it knows that pretty much (almost) everyone in the roster can be taken down with a small round to the head and it outright says it within the first 20 minutes. If you're expecting action as nuts as The Winter Soldier, you're not finding it here. But guess what? It works very effectively.

By minimizing the spectacle, it focuses heavily on character development and moments with one another. You see their interactions with one another, how their sarcasm and humor plays with one another, how their pasts affect their present and how they eventually work together to shape their future.

This is probably one of THE best written Marvel films to date and I'm not saying that as an exaggeration. Chances are, you'll relate to the film in a deep and personal level, and rightfully so.

Badass, kick ass, deflect ass

On a technical perspective of things, the film is just SUPERB. Gone are the days of slop CGI and over reliance on green screens for everything, at least for Thunderbolts* specifically. Humvees get blown to bits, vans crash into windows, Florence Pugh actually skydives off a tall ass building, everything that's possible to be done practically is done practically.

The difference between the few Captain America films (Winter Soldier, Civil War, and especially Brave New World) is that the minimal = maximal rule applies to Thunderbolts as well; apart from the scenes involving Bob/Sentry, compressing the carnage to simple action scenes helps a lot on making said action feel fun and awesome. It doesn't feel like they're trying too hard on things, they're just doing things that work but better. If you're expecting Brave New World levels of action and spectacle, you won't find it here. Instead, expect Yelena and gang to beat up SCP Mobile Task Force ripoffs (just kidding) and look cool doing it.

Seriously. The tactical gear drip these guys got is astounding. And this applies on the third act when they inevitably have to fight Sentry. How would they fight against a god, you might ask? You'll have to see. But you probably won't be expecting that.

Some extra notes and all

• Son Lux's soundtrack for Thunderbolts* is just plain awesome. Both orchestra and synth based fits the action and struggles of the gang.

• Cinematography on one hand looks better than the slop that has appeared on films like Ant Man 3 and Deadpool & Wolverine. Could've been better, but there was style for sure.

• With that being said, IMAX is NOT recommended due to the absurd amount of aspect ratio switching, all seemingly random and uninspired purely to put a checkmark off Disney's mandatory “fill in the premium theaters” requirement that they're implementing specifically on the poor Marvel directors. It's not Transformers: The Last Knight bad (far from it) but it's more akin to Joker 2 bad.

• Definitely stay for the post credits scene. You'll be pleasantly surprised.

Worth it or not?

Oh absolutely. It's fun, it's both light and heavy, it's badass and just plain awesome. Out of all the films to go see in theaters right now, Thunderbolts* deserves your attention and time. Love it.

8/10 – GO SEE IT NOW. Don't let the fact that Marvel spoiled what the asterisk means prevent you from seeing it.

I think I made a minor breakthrough in my CPTSD recovery today. I was thinking about my emotionally immature parents' particular style of neglect, which involved providing for all of my physical needs while completely ignoring a child's need to be guided through developmental stages and to be taught age-appropriate skills. I was thinking especially about the very basic skills that my parents never bothered to teach me at a young age, like tying my shoes. I spent many years embarrassedly asking peers or teachers to tie my shoes when they came untied, sometimes pretending some reason I couldn't do it myself. As I got older, these missed skills, like cooking, doing laundry, dishes, etc., piled up, and I became adept at avoiding doing or talking about skills that my peers had but I didn't.

This isn't the breakthrough. I'd been thinking about that for some time, and I knew that I had some trauma around issues of competency and intelligence because of it. Of course it's hard for a kid to deal with that vulnerability, even more so completely alone, so that aspect is traumatic enough in itself.

The breakthrough today came when I realized that childhood me must have wondered why his peers had these skills and he didn't, and I wondered what childhood me thought the explanation was.

Of course, what childhood me actually thought is less important than what my inner child spontaneously blurted out when I first pondered the question, which was, “I wasn't good enough for my parents to teach me.” That is probably what childhood me thought. Now another thing I was thinking about today is how children can lose their sense of humanity when a parent is extremely neglectful or hurtful, because the parent's perspective defines the young child's world and sense of self. And then it hit me. By avoiding revealing my ignorance of those skills (which is the same as pretending I had them), I was doing much more than avoiding uncomfortable embarrassment. I was defending, or perhaps faking, my human dignity, which my parents' neglect seemed to confirm I never had. So my sensitivity about competence is really about this anxiety about falling out of the human community out of ignorance.

I haven't yet figured out how to really process this realization, but I feel I connected some important dots.

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As I approach my 40th birthday, I happen to find myself also desperately needing to quit drinking, so this has been a reflective time for me. I feel like the past 20 years have been tainted and partially lost to my drinking, and I'd like to pass this benchmark looking forward to a very different 20 years (god willing).

And so I want this to be my mantra every time I consider reaching for a drink. I like it because it boils the matter down in a way that makes sense to me. I can't deny that alcohol has stolen months, possibly years, from my early adulthood. I count as stolen all the days I was too hungover to function, all the days I spent hating myself, all the days I spent frantically fixing or covering up some drunken fuckup.

Definitely years.

It is a fact that alcohol has only subtracted from and never added to my life. By never drinking again, I'm virtually adding days to my life and losing nothing. Never touching a drink again adds everything and subtracts nothing.

How many days will I gain? Probably even more than I lost. I find the thought encouraging, anyway.

Test article. Will be back for more

I hate the fact that I'm returning to this blog because of another fuckup in my marriage caused by CPTSD and drinking. I'm too disgusted with myself to continue writing, actually.

Later: I'm trying to keep things in perspective. I'm trying to remember that I became this way because of my parents' severe emotional neglect and that the impulses and flashbacks I have aren't my fault.

I have a hard time writing about these things. Probably because my emotions themselves are so conflicted. Sometimes I feel doomed to repeating old habits, like all my efforts at recovery can do nothing but space out my breakdowns a little more and make my misery a little less constant. Other times I feel recovered, like I've truly turned over a new leaf (like when I came up with the title for this blog); or at least that I have no choice but to keep moving forward. But moving forward like this is disheartening and terrifying. Am I fooling myself by thinking I can change? How many times can I disappoint myself and get back up again?

I don't know what to do. I wish it were enough for me to get up in the morning and do the things I need to do without some other part of me getting in the way. I need to do parts work. But I also knew that I needed to do visualization and grieving, which I did, only to screw up again later on.

It's a strange thought, but I would rather experience constant failure from a healthy person's perspective than live my current, somewhat successful life with my damaged perspective. Why is my own head such an enemy to the very many good things in my life? It makes me feel like I don't deserve them.

۱۱ اردیبهشت

با همون حالت همیشگیش اومد رو صندلی نشست. گفت: «ایلیا، به نظرت روز خوب چه روزیه؟ من خیلی وقته روز خوب نداشتم. خیلی وقته از چیزی خوشحال نمی‌شم که این خوشحالیه تا قبل خواب باهام بمونه. مثلاً امشب اینقدر شلم بازی کردیم، خیلی هیجان داشتیم و حال داد؛ ولی هنوز یه ربع نگذشته که حس می‌کنم ناراحتم، کاش بازی نمی‌کردم. کاش می‌گرفتم می‌خوابیدم». این غم توی روزهاشو خیلی وقت بود حس می‌کردم. نه فقط توی روزهای اون، تو روزهای سایر بچه‌ها که دارم باهاشون زندگی می‌کنم، حتی اونی که خیلی می‌خنده، اونی که خیلی فحش می‌ده، اونی که خیلی میم‌های خنده‌دار اینستاگرام می‌آد نشونمون می‌ده. گفتم: «روز خوب روزیه که صبحش خودت از خواب بیدار شی و شبش اینقدر خسته باشی از کارهایی که تو طول روز انجام دادی که دست خودت نباشه خوابت. روز خوب روزیه که نصفش با برنامه باشه و نصفش بی‌برنامه. روز خوب روزیه که چیزای جدید یاد بگیرم، نه هر چیز جدیدی، چیزی که شب با شوق استفاده ازش بخوابم و فردا صبحش به این امید بیدار شم که امروز از چیزی که دیروز یاد گرفتم می‌خوام استفاده کنم، همه‌ش». پرسید: «آخرین باری که روزت خوب بوده کی بوده؟ یادم نیومد». خودش گفت اسفند ۴۰۱. یکی دیگه گفت اردیبهشت ۴۰۲. گفت: «من یه روزی توی بهمن پارسال خیلی حالم خوب بود؛ ولی الآن پشیمونم که چرا بیشتر حالم خوب نبوده؟‌ چرا خیلی بیشتر از اون روز لذت نبردم؟ چرا شب که خوابیدم به این فکر نکردم که اون روز بهترین روز اون ساله واسه‌م؟» – «اه بابا! باز *** کردید تو حالمون! *** تو ***ـتون! بذارید یه شب حالمون خوب باشه!» گفتم: «خب باشه. تا من شامو می‌ذارم آماده شه بیاید یه دست حکم بزنیم». (صدای محکم زمین‌خوردن ورق‌ها)